Moving Beyond the List: Diving into Desire

“…[T]he sexual norms we inherit bear little resemblance to what people actually do. I think it would be great if everyone told the truth—for one moment—about their actual sexual practices and relationships, affairs, and arrangements, fantasies and desires. The diversity would amaze us all.” Staci Haines, “Healing Sex: A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma.”

In last week’s blog, I shared how I used a list of sexual activities to begin to explore the edges of my own desires. A list is a great—and very safe way—to begin to explore desire. And it is just a starting point. This week, I’ll share additional suggestions for moving beyond the list to explore sexual desire further.

Exploring the edges of sexual desire can be scary—evoking all sorts of complex feelings, especially if sex has involved abuse or shame. But when we are in charge of this exploration, we’re in the driver’s seat—meaning, we are fully at choice. As such, we can quit if something doesn’t feel right, or we can choose to continue and allow the full range of feelings we experience. As long as we are not re-experiencing shame as we explore, finding out what turns us on can be richly pleasurable and highly empowering.

The following are three additional ways I have explored the realm of my desire:

First, I have asked friends what turns them on. The truth is, a lot of people are relieved to talk about sex once someone else raises the subject. You both might learn something—and open your friendship in a way that fosters greater connection. From attending workshops through The Intimacy Project, I’ve developed a group of friends who are comfortable talking about sex. It is incredible—normalizing—positive—and really fun to be able to talk openly with friends about something usually kept hidden.

Second, I have read erotica. Many women find erotica to be a fabulous way to stoke desire. A few good starters include three annual series: Best Women’s Erotica, Best American Erotica and Best Lesbian Erotica. The website, literotica, is also a good site, with offerings far beyond erotica.

Finally, I have found that I enjoy some erotic DVDs. As part of my training through Sex Coach U, I had to purchase and watch a number of instructional videos from the Alexander Institute—and I’m grateful, because I would not have otherwise purchased erotic videos. The videos are explicit—and—are far more satisfying than pornography, especially for women. Specific DVDs I can recommend include:

            The Modern Kama Sutra, An Erotic Workshop for Lovers

                        Vol. I: Sensual Secrets to Amazing Sex

                        Vol. II: Pleasuring Her First

                        Vol. III: Sexual Positions for Great Sex

            Woman to Woman Erotic Touch for Great Sex

            The Art of Advanced Oral Sex

            Advanced Sex Toys for Great Sex

Watched alone or with a partner, erotic videos can be a great way to open your desire and spice up your sex life!

Knowing what turns us on doesn’t mean we have to do everything that sparks our desire—that’s an entirely different conversation. But knowing allows us to choose—and to normalize feeling turned on. For anyone who has experienced shame around pleasure as a result of sex abuse, religious or family messaging, allowing desire without shame is fabulous. Happy explorations!